Communication... or lack thereof.

It's been a while! And the reason for that, of course, is that Aaron came home for three weeks.

A lot happened in that three weeks, a lot of decisions were made. For example we found out that Aaron will have to back pay tax on all the money he has earned in the last two years... yuk. We also decided that a) Aaron would transfer back to Australia (Karratha) due to the tax situation and b) I would start working up north full time to get a little bit extra in the bank.

Luckily my work is letting me transfer so I dont have to change companies which is awesome, I am so happy about that. And I will get to see Aaron more often as we will be working in the same town, 3 out of 4 weeks a month!

This should all be happening in July, after our trip to New York, so Aaron had to go back to Iraq for one last stint. And it sucks. In reality, I know that I should be stoked that there is less than two months to go before he is back in the country for good, but it's really hard right now, because he is out on rigs all day without being able to contact me. He can't even send text messages because stupid Iraq has dissabled the messaging service on all mobiles in the country! The most I can hope for is an email and a few facebook comments when I wake up each morning.

Today he came online, 10.30am here, 5.30 in the morning his end, but obviously he wasnt getting my messages because after a while he said "ok, I guess you're busy, gotta go!" and offline he went again. So, yet another day goes by without me getting to talk to him.

It's getting really frustrating and I'm starting to feel really lonely, especially because I'm up north this week, and none of my friends are around to hang out with. I go back to camp at the end of the day and know I'm just going to sit in my room alone and go to bed early, with no one to talk to, and it's making this week drag out something terrible.

So if you feel at all inclined, please send some love my way! I could really use it this week.

Stresses

Wow, it’s been ages since I’ve had a chance to post anything lately! A lot has been going on, I am STILL in Karratha working away and have been so busy – you would think you would get some free time working 12 hour days (including weekends!) but alas, I don’t.  I’m only just starting to catch up on everything so finally have a chance to get my thoughts down in writing.

So! There’s been a lot going on.

First of all, I have been feeling a bit crook lately. Feeling bloated in the mornings and getting stomach cramps during the night a lot, and I think its just because I have been eating so badly while I have been up here. So I have decided to try and significantly reduce the amount of carbs I’ve been eating (seems like that was ALL I was eating – bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, noodles…) and I am now on my third day of my healthy eating mission. I haven’t even had any coke (for those of you who know me you will know what a big thing that is)!!!  I am actually feeling better already, I haven’t been waking up feeling bloated and I haven’t been getting up through the night with stomach cramps, so I’m happy!

Second of all, yesterday I had some bad news about the house. For some reason the plans haven’t been followed, meaning the meter box is too close to the house and a wall needs to be rebuilt… this means more delays. It’s super disappointing because we had hoped that Aaron would be here when we get to move in (he is home next Friday – yay!) but now it looks like that probably wont happen. I was so mad yesterday – not just because of the delays, but because the stupid building company didn’t even have the decency to call me – I found out because my mother-in-law visited the house and bumped into the electrician, who told her about it – and also because when I rang to find out what was going on the woman (I’m restraining myself here) was completely and utterly rude to me.

The third major thing going on at the moment is the Aaron has found out some information regarding international tax that could significantly impact our situation.

He was under the impression that as he was working away and mostly residing in another country that he wouldn’t have to pay Australian tax. However, some legislation has changed and now it looks as though he may be still classed as a resident for tax purposes – meaning he may now need to pay Australian Tax of 40-50% as well as the 17% he already pays as International tax. If this is the case – there’s no point him working away anymore, so there is a chance he might come home (although, he has already said if he does have to come home, he will still try and get FIFO work, so he wont be at home all the time). Isn’t this good news? Well, there are pros and cons. The pro is, obviously, that I get my husband home, out of the dangerous area he is working in, and will see him a lot more often. The cons are that a) his income will be reduced and he will be paying more tax, meaning it will be harder for us to pay off our mortgage, b) he probably will have to start his graduate programme with another company all over again and c) we will probably get hit with a huge tax bill for the last 18 months that he has been away but not paying any Australian tax. 

So, as you can see, it’s been a stressful week for me.

BUT, you just have to keep on smiling, breathe deeply and don’t let it weigh you down… otherwise I would find it even harder to get out of bed in the mornings!

OH! And I have something delightful to look forward to, to keep my chin up – we are going to NEW YORK in July – so really, life can’t be all that bad, huh?

Working Away

So I have been working away for the last 10 days, in the north of WA, and now it's my turn to see what it's like for Aaron.

The days are long, the work is demanding (maybe not physically, but mentally definately), and while every day is varied and different, there's also a sense of every day being the same. Wake up, breakfast, drive to work, work...work...work...lunch. Work...work...work... Go back to camp. Dinner. Watch some TV. Bed at 8.30, to start all over again the next morning.

I'm only doing this for four weeks with a three day break in the middle, and I find it hard. How Aaron does this every day... with no breaks... for FOUR MONTHS... I have no idea.

It gives me a whole new appreciation for how determined, focussed and hard-working he is!

And also, I'm pretty lucky.

Lucky to have a great job in the city, to be able to work and live in Australia, and most of all, lucky to have a husband who is so willing to go out there and get stuck in and do a really hard job... for us.

The See-Saw.

It's amazing how quickly I can swing from being happy and carefree to completely in the depths of dispair with missing Aaron.

This afternoon I was driving to my brother's house, had the music cranking, zooming along in my car - life was grand! I was thinking about how much I miss driving (I catch a bus to work each day) and how I had almost forgotten how enjoyable it can be to just drive along, belt out a few tunes, and let the world go by.

Tonight - the drive home - completely different story. All I could think about was how I missed having someone to drive home with! Someone to chat too, to keep tiredness at bay. Someone to dispel the monotony of driving at night. Not just someone, actually, but Aaron. I missed his humour, his company, I even missed his crazy driving!

But even in the half an hour it took me to drive home, I was still see-sawing. I got completely distracted by another car who was swerving all over the place in front of me and completely forgot that two seconds ago I had been ready to burst into tears. And as soon as the other driver disappeared, I began to miss Aaron again, and then realised my momentary lapse!

This got me to thinking that missing Aaron is almost a habit now. It tends to be at the same times during the day - when I am going to bed at night, when I'm driving home, when I'm laying in bed in the mornings, but when I'm busy or occupied I barely give it a second thought. I guess in some ways its scary to think that it's a habit but also reassuring to know I should be able to distract myself fairly easily.

And that's what I mean by see-saw... life is a constant juggling act between forgetting that my husband is away and remembering to miss him, but not letting my missing him take over my life. Sometimes the balance tips one way or the other but eventually it all comes back into line.

The words that help at times like this?

This too shall pass.

You Really Love Me That Much?

A few days ago I was speaking with Aaron online and in the middle of the conversation he stopped me and said:

I just read your blog... Wow... You really love me that much?

Naturally I laughed and said "don't be silly - of course I do!" but later on it got me thinking.

No matter how much you tell someone you love them, no matter how many ways you show them, no matter how long you have been together, no matter how many people you say your vows in front of; people will always doubt themselves.

People will always worry that they are unworthy of another person's love. Or worry that they don't deserve someone as good as their partner. Have you found yourself thinking 'this is too good to last', 'one of these day they will realise they can do better than me' or even 'how could they possibly love me?'

Aaron and I are the perfect example: I see him as the 'better' half. He has so much more to offer - he's gorgeous, smart, has an excellent career and determination to boot, hard-working, generous, kind... the list goes on. And he's surprised I love him??

I think you'll find most relationships are similar - each person incredulous at the thought of the other being interested in them - and of course this is a good thing (it would be bad if one person thought 'well, naturally they love me but I could do better'). 

But, at the end of the day, I still can't believe my luck - that someone like him would want marry someone like me!!!

The Tangible.

One of the main things I miss while Aaron is away is his touch. I don't mean this in a lewd way, I mean simple things like having someones hand to hold, getting a hug when I come home from work, having someone to snuggle on the couch or lean on at the dining table. Just the everyday interactions and connections people have with their partners.

With today's technology it's so much easier to communicate than it would have been, say, 20 years ago. But no matter how many emails you receive or phone calls you make, nothing can compare with a reassuring squeeze of your hand by your loved one to let you know you're not alone.

Things we take for granted every day, a hand on your thigh while driving, a kiss goodnight, even the occasional bum-pat while cooking dinner, are really noticed in their absence. Even trying to sleep without being able to reach out and put my hand on his back is disquieting; when I have trouble sleeping I have even found myself putting my hand on a pillow just so I feel like he's there!

Without getting into the details too much, the main thing I miss is his kiss. There's no one else in the world that I have that type of intimate contact with, it's something that is quintessentially ours and ours alone, and the lack of it is really hard to deal with.

Tangible objects become anchors. The necklace he gave me, the teddy bear he made, my wedding ring. They remind me that he is really out there somewhere and give me something to hold on to when I struggle to cope with the fact he isn't just out for a few hours or in the next room.

But eventually, the feelings pass, I get distracted or go to sleep and sometimes I forget the ache for a while. And I always know, next time he walks through the gate at the airport, he will pick me up and squeeze me tight, and I know that's all I've been waiting for.

I Don't Know How You Do It!

So many people say to me that they don't know how I do it...
I suppose, in reality, it comes down to a few simple factors: trust, distraction and focus.

First of all, I have to trust that I am doing this for a reason. I would not want to be putting myself through the heartache of loneliness if there was going to be nothing in the end. It's also complete and utter trust in Aaron, that he is away from me but I know his thoughts aren't straying (particularly as he is in the Middle East... no women in sight!) and I believe him with my whole heart when he says that he misses me and loves me. And again, trust that if he doesn't feel safe or doesn't feel it's worth it anymore, he will come home. And the final aspect of trust; trust that if I tell him it's too much, that I can't handle it anymore, he will listen to me and come home. And that particularly is what makes it easier to carry on, easier to not give in, the knowledge that I just have to say the word.

Distraction is simple: keep busy! Making plans with my girlfriends, going out for dinner or lunch, going shopping, working long hours, all makes it easier. When you can go a few hours without dwelling, it makes the time fly past ten times faster. Another advantage I have is that I live with his family... there's always someone around and the fact that it's his family makes it easier to forget he's not here, even for a little while.

I have to remind myself to focus on the big picture. This is key in getting through each day. Remembering that in eighty years time (I'm an optimist) we will barely be able to remember these few measly years we sacrificed. Focusing on what we can achieve, what we will have at the end of all this: an amazing financial head start to life that not many other people our age can say they have, and the experience that Aaron has and will gain to secure his career for the rest of his working life.

I'm not going to pretend it's easy; I'm not going to pretend I don't get moody, or upset, or cry myself to sleep every now and again. But... it's not impossible.

And that's how I do it.