It's amazing how quickly I can swing from being happy and carefree to completely in the depths of dispair with missing Aaron.
This afternoon I was driving to my brother's house, had the music cranking, zooming along in my car - life was grand! I was thinking about how much I miss driving (I catch a bus to work each day) and how I had almost forgotten how enjoyable it can be to just drive along, belt out a few tunes, and let the world go by.
Tonight - the drive home - completely different story. All I could think about was how I missed having someone to drive home with! Someone to chat too, to keep tiredness at bay. Someone to dispel the monotony of driving at night. Not just someone, actually, but Aaron. I missed his humour, his company, I even missed his crazy driving!
But even in the half an hour it took me to drive home, I was still see-sawing. I got completely distracted by another car who was swerving all over the place in front of me and completely forgot that two seconds ago I had been ready to burst into tears. And as soon as the other driver disappeared, I began to miss Aaron again, and then realised my momentary lapse!
This got me to thinking that missing Aaron is almost a habit now. It tends to be at the same times during the day - when I am going to bed at night, when I'm driving home, when I'm laying in bed in the mornings, but when I'm busy or occupied I barely give it a second thought. I guess in some ways its scary to think that it's a habit but also reassuring to know I should be able to distract myself fairly easily.
And that's what I mean by see-saw... life is a constant juggling act between forgetting that my husband is away and remembering to miss him, but not letting my missing him take over my life. Sometimes the balance tips one way or the other but eventually it all comes back into line.
The words that help at times like this?
This too shall pass.
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