So I have been working away for the last 10 days, in the north of WA, and now it's my turn to see what it's like for Aaron.
The days are long, the work is demanding (maybe not physically, but mentally definately), and while every day is varied and different, there's also a sense of every day being the same. Wake up, breakfast, drive to work, work...work...work...lunch. Work...work...work... Go back to camp. Dinner. Watch some TV. Bed at 8.30, to start all over again the next morning.
I'm only doing this for four weeks with a three day break in the middle, and I find it hard. How Aaron does this every day... with no breaks... for FOUR MONTHS... I have no idea.
It gives me a whole new appreciation for how determined, focussed and hard-working he is!
And also, I'm pretty lucky.
Lucky to have a great job in the city, to be able to work and live in Australia, and most of all, lucky to have a husband who is so willing to go out there and get stuck in and do a really hard job... for us.
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Saturday, 19 March 2011
The See-Saw.
It's amazing how quickly I can swing from being happy and carefree to completely in the depths of dispair with missing Aaron.
This afternoon I was driving to my brother's house, had the music cranking, zooming along in my car - life was grand! I was thinking about how much I miss driving (I catch a bus to work each day) and how I had almost forgotten how enjoyable it can be to just drive along, belt out a few tunes, and let the world go by.
Tonight - the drive home - completely different story. All I could think about was how I missed having someone to drive home with! Someone to chat too, to keep tiredness at bay. Someone to dispel the monotony of driving at night. Not just someone, actually, but Aaron. I missed his humour, his company, I even missed his crazy driving!
But even in the half an hour it took me to drive home, I was still see-sawing. I got completely distracted by another car who was swerving all over the place in front of me and completely forgot that two seconds ago I had been ready to burst into tears. And as soon as the other driver disappeared, I began to miss Aaron again, and then realised my momentary lapse!
This got me to thinking that missing Aaron is almost a habit now. It tends to be at the same times during the day - when I am going to bed at night, when I'm driving home, when I'm laying in bed in the mornings, but when I'm busy or occupied I barely give it a second thought. I guess in some ways its scary to think that it's a habit but also reassuring to know I should be able to distract myself fairly easily.
And that's what I mean by see-saw... life is a constant juggling act between forgetting that my husband is away and remembering to miss him, but not letting my missing him take over my life. Sometimes the balance tips one way or the other but eventually it all comes back into line.
The words that help at times like this?
This too shall pass.
This afternoon I was driving to my brother's house, had the music cranking, zooming along in my car - life was grand! I was thinking about how much I miss driving (I catch a bus to work each day) and how I had almost forgotten how enjoyable it can be to just drive along, belt out a few tunes, and let the world go by.
Tonight - the drive home - completely different story. All I could think about was how I missed having someone to drive home with! Someone to chat too, to keep tiredness at bay. Someone to dispel the monotony of driving at night. Not just someone, actually, but Aaron. I missed his humour, his company, I even missed his crazy driving!
But even in the half an hour it took me to drive home, I was still see-sawing. I got completely distracted by another car who was swerving all over the place in front of me and completely forgot that two seconds ago I had been ready to burst into tears. And as soon as the other driver disappeared, I began to miss Aaron again, and then realised my momentary lapse!
This got me to thinking that missing Aaron is almost a habit now. It tends to be at the same times during the day - when I am going to bed at night, when I'm driving home, when I'm laying in bed in the mornings, but when I'm busy or occupied I barely give it a second thought. I guess in some ways its scary to think that it's a habit but also reassuring to know I should be able to distract myself fairly easily.
And that's what I mean by see-saw... life is a constant juggling act between forgetting that my husband is away and remembering to miss him, but not letting my missing him take over my life. Sometimes the balance tips one way or the other but eventually it all comes back into line.
The words that help at times like this?
This too shall pass.
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
You Really Love Me That Much?
A few days ago I was speaking with Aaron online and in the middle of the conversation he stopped me and said:
I just read your blog... Wow... You really love me that much?
Naturally I laughed and said "don't be silly - of course I do!" but later on it got me thinking.
No matter how much you tell someone you love them, no matter how many ways you show them, no matter how long you have been together, no matter how many people you say your vows in front of; people will always doubt themselves.
People will always worry that they are unworthy of another person's love. Or worry that they don't deserve someone as good as their partner. Have you found yourself thinking 'this is too good to last', 'one of these day they will realise they can do better than me' or even 'how could they possibly love me?'
Aaron and I are the perfect example: I see him as the 'better' half. He has so much more to offer - he's gorgeous, smart, has an excellent career and determination to boot, hard-working, generous, kind... the list goes on. And he's surprised I love him??
I think you'll find most relationships are similar - each person incredulous at the thought of the other being interested in them - and of course this is a good thing (it would be bad if one person thought 'well, naturally they love me but I could do better').
But, at the end of the day, I still can't believe my luck - that someone like him would want marry someone like me!!!
I just read your blog... Wow... You really love me that much?
Naturally I laughed and said "don't be silly - of course I do!" but later on it got me thinking.
No matter how much you tell someone you love them, no matter how many ways you show them, no matter how long you have been together, no matter how many people you say your vows in front of; people will always doubt themselves.
People will always worry that they are unworthy of another person's love. Or worry that they don't deserve someone as good as their partner. Have you found yourself thinking 'this is too good to last', 'one of these day they will realise they can do better than me' or even 'how could they possibly love me?'
Aaron and I are the perfect example: I see him as the 'better' half. He has so much more to offer - he's gorgeous, smart, has an excellent career and determination to boot, hard-working, generous, kind... the list goes on. And he's surprised I love him??
I think you'll find most relationships are similar - each person incredulous at the thought of the other being interested in them - and of course this is a good thing (it would be bad if one person thought 'well, naturally they love me but I could do better').
But, at the end of the day, I still can't believe my luck - that someone like him would want marry someone like me!!!
Saturday, 12 March 2011
The Tangible.
One of the main things I miss while Aaron is away is his touch. I don't mean this in a lewd way, I mean simple things like having someones hand to hold, getting a hug when I come home from work, having someone to snuggle on the couch or lean on at the dining table. Just the everyday interactions and connections people have with their partners.
With today's technology it's so much easier to communicate than it would have been, say, 20 years ago. But no matter how many emails you receive or phone calls you make, nothing can compare with a reassuring squeeze of your hand by your loved one to let you know you're not alone.
Things we take for granted every day, a hand on your thigh while driving, a kiss goodnight, even the occasional bum-pat while cooking dinner, are really noticed in their absence. Even trying to sleep without being able to reach out and put my hand on his back is disquieting; when I have trouble sleeping I have even found myself putting my hand on a pillow just so I feel like he's there!
Without getting into the details too much, the main thing I miss is his kiss. There's no one else in the world that I have that type of intimate contact with, it's something that is quintessentially ours and ours alone, and the lack of it is really hard to deal with.
Tangible objects become anchors. The necklace he gave me, the teddy bear he made, my wedding ring. They remind me that he is really out there somewhere and give me something to hold on to when I struggle to cope with the fact he isn't just out for a few hours or in the next room.
But eventually, the feelings pass, I get distracted or go to sleep and sometimes I forget the ache for a while. And I always know, next time he walks through the gate at the airport, he will pick me up and squeeze me tight, and I know that's all I've been waiting for.
With today's technology it's so much easier to communicate than it would have been, say, 20 years ago. But no matter how many emails you receive or phone calls you make, nothing can compare with a reassuring squeeze of your hand by your loved one to let you know you're not alone.
Things we take for granted every day, a hand on your thigh while driving, a kiss goodnight, even the occasional bum-pat while cooking dinner, are really noticed in their absence. Even trying to sleep without being able to reach out and put my hand on his back is disquieting; when I have trouble sleeping I have even found myself putting my hand on a pillow just so I feel like he's there!
Without getting into the details too much, the main thing I miss is his kiss. There's no one else in the world that I have that type of intimate contact with, it's something that is quintessentially ours and ours alone, and the lack of it is really hard to deal with.
Tangible objects become anchors. The necklace he gave me, the teddy bear he made, my wedding ring. They remind me that he is really out there somewhere and give me something to hold on to when I struggle to cope with the fact he isn't just out for a few hours or in the next room.
But eventually, the feelings pass, I get distracted or go to sleep and sometimes I forget the ache for a while. And I always know, next time he walks through the gate at the airport, he will pick me up and squeeze me tight, and I know that's all I've been waiting for.
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
I Don't Know How You Do It!
So many people say to me that they don't know how I do it...
I suppose, in reality, it comes down to a few simple factors: trust, distraction and focus.
First of all, I have to trust that I am doing this for a reason. I would not want to be putting myself through the heartache of loneliness if there was going to be nothing in the end. It's also complete and utter trust in Aaron, that he is away from me but I know his thoughts aren't straying (particularly as he is in the Middle East... no women in sight!) and I believe him with my whole heart when he says that he misses me and loves me. And again, trust that if he doesn't feel safe or doesn't feel it's worth it anymore, he will come home. And the final aspect of trust; trust that if I tell him it's too much, that I can't handle it anymore, he will listen to me and come home. And that particularly is what makes it easier to carry on, easier to not give in, the knowledge that I just have to say the word.
Distraction is simple: keep busy! Making plans with my girlfriends, going out for dinner or lunch, going shopping, working long hours, all makes it easier. When you can go a few hours without dwelling, it makes the time fly past ten times faster. Another advantage I have is that I live with his family... there's always someone around and the fact that it's his family makes it easier to forget he's not here, even for a little while.
I have to remind myself to focus on the big picture. This is key in getting through each day. Remembering that in eighty years time (I'm an optimist) we will barely be able to remember these few measly years we sacrificed. Focusing on what we can achieve, what we will have at the end of all this: an amazing financial head start to life that not many other people our age can say they have, and the experience that Aaron has and will gain to secure his career for the rest of his working life.
I'm not going to pretend it's easy; I'm not going to pretend I don't get moody, or upset, or cry myself to sleep every now and again. But... it's not impossible.
And that's how I do it.
I suppose, in reality, it comes down to a few simple factors: trust, distraction and focus.
First of all, I have to trust that I am doing this for a reason. I would not want to be putting myself through the heartache of loneliness if there was going to be nothing in the end. It's also complete and utter trust in Aaron, that he is away from me but I know his thoughts aren't straying (particularly as he is in the Middle East... no women in sight!) and I believe him with my whole heart when he says that he misses me and loves me. And again, trust that if he doesn't feel safe or doesn't feel it's worth it anymore, he will come home. And the final aspect of trust; trust that if I tell him it's too much, that I can't handle it anymore, he will listen to me and come home. And that particularly is what makes it easier to carry on, easier to not give in, the knowledge that I just have to say the word.
Distraction is simple: keep busy! Making plans with my girlfriends, going out for dinner or lunch, going shopping, working long hours, all makes it easier. When you can go a few hours without dwelling, it makes the time fly past ten times faster. Another advantage I have is that I live with his family... there's always someone around and the fact that it's his family makes it easier to forget he's not here, even for a little while.
I have to remind myself to focus on the big picture. This is key in getting through each day. Remembering that in eighty years time (I'm an optimist) we will barely be able to remember these few measly years we sacrificed. Focusing on what we can achieve, what we will have at the end of all this: an amazing financial head start to life that not many other people our age can say they have, and the experience that Aaron has and will gain to secure his career for the rest of his working life.
I'm not going to pretend it's easy; I'm not going to pretend I don't get moody, or upset, or cry myself to sleep every now and again. But... it's not impossible.
And that's how I do it.
Some of my Favourites...
This is one of my most favourite photos... it took pride of place for many years (until the wedding!)
One of Aaron's trips home; I kept trying for a nice picture and he just wouldn't have a bar of it!
Same goes for this one...
I like this one... nice and natural!
This was taken many years ago. I was sick and Aaron thought it was "cute". This photo has since become a family favourite...
The Wedding... a moment on the Jetty.
I didn't even know this picture was being taken... The photographer was in front of us!
This is one of my all-time favourites from the day... it's so natural and I love the fishermen in their trackies... it's a reminder that even if it's the most important day of our lives every one else is carrying on like it's just another day.
This one cracks me up every time... the quote behind this photo is "you're such a bad husband. You can't even hold up your wife!"
And Aaron's response: "She's Top-Heavy!!!"
A Classic.
Love.
Aaron in trouble in one of the speeches.
A Spade to go with my "Buckett"... as well as ear plugs for Aaron (I snore, apparently!)
A quick kiss after my song.
Struggling to cut through 6 inches of dense fruit cake!
Our first dance...
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
The Routine.
I know that most people assume that getting into a routine can be the death of a marriage. And maybe in some instances this might be the case. But speaking from my point of view, I can't wait to have a routine with my hubby!
To be able to come home from work at the end of each day to Aaron would be pure joy for me.
To be able to cook dinner together, cuddle up on the couch with a DVD, even just going to sleep every night with him lying next to me, seems so unattainable right now, and yet so appealing. I look forward to conversations of "we have this meal every week, can't we try something new?"
The main thing I look forward to when he comes home is being able to come home from work and have a conversation with somone about my day. Something so simple makes me so happy.
Most of all, I look forward to having a husband, one whose around all the time. So many people take their partners for granted, I see it every day in my colleagues and friends, and I can't imagine being in their shoes. I can't imagine being bored with a routine, or feeling dissattisfied in a relationship where you get to spend every night together. I appreciate Aaron so much, and every time I get to see him I get to re-discover my joy in my love for him and in our partnership.
I suppose, in some ways, I'm very, very lucky.
To be able to come home from work at the end of each day to Aaron would be pure joy for me.
To be able to cook dinner together, cuddle up on the couch with a DVD, even just going to sleep every night with him lying next to me, seems so unattainable right now, and yet so appealing. I look forward to conversations of "we have this meal every week, can't we try something new?"
The main thing I look forward to when he comes home is being able to come home from work and have a conversation with somone about my day. Something so simple makes me so happy.
Most of all, I look forward to having a husband, one whose around all the time. So many people take their partners for granted, I see it every day in my colleagues and friends, and I can't imagine being in their shoes. I can't imagine being bored with a routine, or feeling dissattisfied in a relationship where you get to spend every night together. I appreciate Aaron so much, and every time I get to see him I get to re-discover my joy in my love for him and in our partnership.
I suppose, in some ways, I'm very, very lucky.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)